I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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