i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
