I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I want to be your penis for a week.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
