Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
