so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
