my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
