and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
