omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
