What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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