I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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