Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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