please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
