Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
