Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
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