No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
