Even the bartender felt bad for me
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
