wat bout pragnant strippers??
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
