Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
