Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
jump out the window naked night went bad
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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