somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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