Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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