There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
