I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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