woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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