you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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