literally had 100 drinks last night.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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