I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
