whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
