He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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