i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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