I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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