Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
