my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize