So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
