you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
