This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
