you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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