Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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