Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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