I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
