Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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