I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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