I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
