somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
it's great music for shaving your balls
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
