3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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