i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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