I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
