i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Randomize
