I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The power of my boobs compel you
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
