oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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