Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
