Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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