The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
this just has baby written all over it
That reminds me...we need to get swords
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
