what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
