Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
