you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Drake has all the answers
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
