Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
