He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
