She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
