eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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